Knowledge in Guts

Based on the daily creative writing prompt by Sarah Selecky (http://www.sarahselecky.com/, Nov. 28, 2013) and the stories of hundreds of lonely women.

The pain in my abdomen was gradually growing. I thought “I wanted something growing in me.” I still hoped that the pain was due to the external impacts and not the tiny being I was trying to protect showing its restlessness… By contrast, I was still hoping it was contained enough life in it to show its discomfort. I was not even holding it in my arms yet but already I was failing at protecting it.

The situation I was in struck me as ironical. I had always believed that people wishing to have babies should be put through some tests. If they were not prepared, they should not be allowed to go through labor. Only parents who were fully prepared and willing to become good caretakers should get the right to have children. And I was so sure the man I was in love with was the perfect candidate for a good father. For some reason, it had never occurred to me to doubt myself in the same manner I had been untrusting of others. For some reason, I had always believed that when the time was right, I would make a perfect mother and that the man I would choose would be ideal… and loving…

That is why, when I got pregnant during the second year of our relationship, I was certain that we were on the right track of becoming a perfect little family. Even when he became more and more temperamental with the growing financial tension we had been feeling, I was confident it would be temporary, that after a while, he would realize we can make it work and that he would become affectionate again.

The pain in my guts told me otherwise. I had always wondered what people meant when they said they knew things in their guts… I finally knew that the man I was with, the man who had helped me conceive was the wrong choice through the pain in my guts… The pain that he had caused… The man that I had chosen…

Thus, with the pain in my abdomen, holding onto a tiny life in there that I wished to watch flourish, I went for a medical examination. Lying on the hospital bed, I knew I was being judged… I was being judged for the choices I had made, for being with a man I allowed to hurt me and the innocent being in me, for having such low self-esteem, for acting irresponsibly…

As the tiny beam of light in me faded, I felt the growing futility of seeking breath to formulate the words to shout that my presence there in the company of police was me taking responsibility. It was my being responsible for the baby I wished to hold, the future I wanted to see… Only too late…

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