Can’t let anyone know I am one crazy b… bean?

Daily Prompt: Unsafe Containers
Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?

When I first started working at my current job and I wanted people to like me, well at least not be too prejudiced towards me, I was trying to appear “collected”. It was an especially hard mission since I was there with my dear John’s Wort to contain my social anxiety which at times makes me overexcited at the smallest thing.

However, since the workplace is one huge loft where not even cubicles can hide an embarrassing gesture, headphones are the only means to create a little invisible ball of privacy around the brain. And like so many other souls out there, I chose to listen to music through the earphones to get myself motivated.

Although I am not much of a musical person, I knew from experience from street performers to bookshops where some background music may be on for a little ambiance, I cannot help moving to any rhythm… As soon as there is some sort of a beat I like, a little tapping begins on my foot, and slowly climbs all the way up to my shoulders, finally reaching my head. This might be OK at a pub or even on the street but at work, the result is one jerky woman trying to type some stuff on her computer.

So the first time I had the rush of happiness to dance at my serious workplace, too serious for a video game company, at least, I had to pull my headphones off my head and take a deep breath and wait until my heartbeat took up a lighter pace.

Now, I only listen to news and John’s Wort is out of the question. It turns out it is much easier to concentrate on translations and even on games while sipping green tea to sooth bouts of anxiety and listening to stock market crashes than Pharrell Williams’s “Happy” song.

Come to think of it, I am one weird assembly of a personality where a social attraction like dancing and fear of people’s reactions as in social anxiety have been inserted into the same brain. It is hard to find a balance between all those feelings rushing through…

So if you ever see a shy woman who cannot help dancing on the street to the slightest tune, it might just be me…

Headed to my playlist now…


7 thoughts on “Can’t let anyone know I am one crazy b… bean?”

  1. You seem like a musical person, at least to me! But I happen to think all one needs is some kind of sense of rhythm and a love for music itself.

    I like the way you’ve chosen to handle your anxiety. I messed with St. John’s Wort for a while myself, and all it did was make me feel a bit nauseous and tired. I’ll give the headphones another shot. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for the great comment, mutternummern! It really made me feel I was not all alone experimenting with over the counter stuff trying to infuse into society 😀

      And as for music, I can live days without listening to music. In fact, the one time I decided to take up an interest for music, I got kicked out of the choir because I sucked big time, but I went there knowing this. But you are right, I have the rhythm in me and can’t stop the boogie 😀

      And yes! Headphones give me so much freedom on the seat I don’t leave for 8 hours per day…

  2. I’m with you on that, I could never sing in a choir but there’s nothing like putting some tunes on and letting loose! Isn’t that what music’s for?
    Aside from that, I really like this post. Your writing style is makes me feel like you have created a perfect mind-chair for my brain to sit in so it can see what you would have it see.
    Hope that makes sense!

    1. That makes perfect sense and that is what I am going for! I always thought there was more detail, additional information or rather a different way of telling an anecdote to help others understand what a situation feels like, and ‘the mind chair’ made me believe I am achieving it.
      Thank you, Buster!

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