Tag Archives: decision

The decision that follows “What if”

The Difficult Decision by Stefano Novo This work is in the public domain in those countries with a copyright term of life of the author plus 80 years or less.
The Difficult Decision
by Stefano Novo
This work is in the public domain in those countries with a copyright term of life of the author plus 80 years or less.

Yes, the ultrasound and seeing that tiny being in my belly doing disco moves incessantly, being astonished by how magically the human body, or any living creature’s body functions was groundbreaking and eye opening for me.

However, 5 minutes later, while I was wiping the semi-liquid thing off my belly, hubby and I were asking questions about the trisomy (Down’s syndrome) tests…

You see, I could get the trisomy test done right then and there, but what all the receptionists, the hospital officials and the nice assistant asking me whether I would like the ultrasound done blah blah forgot to mention was that for the trisomy test to be conducted along with the ultrasound which itself cost 130 dollars, I would have to be paying an extra 400 dollars.

So, being not so poor but definitely NOT rich, we said, no thanks, we would rather get the free state supported trisomy test done.

But apparently, to receive the results for that test, we would have to wait 6 weeks!

Naturally, hubby asked the question resonating in my head: would it be too late?

Too late for what? I had to put it into words, “to terminate the pregnancy”…

You see, I have always been pro-choice, not being pro-choice never even occurred to me. When I heard about so many Americans being anti-choice, I could not believe it, a country that is supposed to be “the centre of all sorts of choices” (this opinion of mine has quickly been vanishing, as I find out more and more about the USA, now living so nearby)… Every woman should have the right to refuse to give birth to a baby they believe they cannot take care of… No matter what their circumstances may be, whether the baby was conceived in as terrible circumstances as a rape, or during a light hearted love affair that ended with a “woops”.

I felt weird, having to say “terminate the pregnancy” when I was marveling at my tiny baby a few minutes ago, but, although a child with certain congenital diseases may grow up to be a healthy member of the society, I also had to watch a few of my mother’s friends give up on their own lives so that they could carry their child to the bathroom several times a day, feed them, change them and make up a life for them, all the while the child seemed to be unaware of anything going on around them.

Therefore, rather than selfishly permit a possibility for such hardships to affect both our lives as parents and our child’s, I would rather have an abortion and give everyone a better chance at a fully lived out life…

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A Fight Worthwhile

Inspired by Five Minute Friday prompt: Fight* on Lisa Jo Baker’s Blog http://lisajobaker.com/2014/01/five-minute-friday-fight/

(time: 9.35)

What should you be? How should you act? What should you write? How should you feel? What should you say? How should you live?

For many of us, the ‘shoulds’ are deeply engraved in our heads. We were made to believe that living up to these ‘shoulds’ would make us good people, that we would get closer to the ideal human. We were told that anything deviating just a wee bit from the ideal is bad.

Yes, it is these simple terms most of us are trying to set our lives according to: Good and bad.

Many fruitful thoughts are blocked because of the ideal human. Our brains are clogged by all these standards we feel forced to live up to. If we do not comply with these, we are not worth being.

You should be stable. You should only be happy. You should only think of others. You should always have energy. You should always race for the best career seen fit for you. You should never lie. You should only befriend perfect people. You should only have positive thoughts.

(time: 9.40)

How about the relief found in seeing yourself for who you really are?  You can be unstable but trustable. You can be fun and moody. You can hate lying but be willing to lie to ensure the happiness of people you care for. You can be friends with people who make you happy to be with and not just linger around some characters simply because they are picture perfect.

You do not need to be energetic to run around all the time, to socialize, to cook, to clean, to read. You can enjoy spending a day in bed without having to account for these moments of stolen laziness. You can choose to do something simply because it gives you pleasure and not because it would be appreciated on a resume. You can be selfish some days when you need a retreat from responsibilities. You might love hugging one day and hate it the next.

These do not mean that you are a bad person. You are who you are, and this is a merit on its own, whether recognized by the concept of the flawless human or not.

Fearing who we really are for the sake of an artificially constructed excellence can be tedious. Reading what is really on our minds without being muddled by vague notions of perfection picked up here and there is liberating. Sometimes ideals are not so ideal. The only thing we should do is fight to be ourselves despite the doctrines of the perfect being carved in our brains. This is a fight worthwhile.

(time: 9.45)

*The rule on Five Minute Friday is to write for 5 minutes without any editing. I cheated… After writing for 10 minutes from 9.35 to 9.45, I did some finishing touches here and there (and more) afterwards.

Coming to Canada (1): Leaving Home

It has been more than a year since I got here! I still remember the anxiety that kept boiling up in me for a year before I made the “flight of my life”. I had done several life changing flights where I thought there would be no going back and I had always gone back although to a life that was much different from before; people had moved on, new job opportunities were ahead and new dreams in my head.

However, before each journey, I was full of hope. The best part about embarking on complete life changing travels is the hope I feel before I know what I will encounter. Each time I know that things can go completely wrong as they did when I worked in the Arabian Peninsula for a year, but I cannot help the heightened joyous emotions.

At 4 am in the morning of the flight to Montreal, I woke up to my alarm clock and began a major run through my parents’ stairs screaming “energy blast!”

On that day, I had quit the job I loved at the college I adored a month before. I had emptied the apartment I was crazy about, the apartment I had wished to live in for years, the apartment I felt I belonged to. The apartment and neighborhood that gave me the sensation that I belonged somewhere in contrast to many of my peers who have had to change countries every few years following their parents’ business assignments in different parts of the world. That apartment had witnessed me at age 3 fall off a chair and break my arm, advance to my first teenage year, move to different countries and come back a few years older, and finally, move back in there as a grown woman only to be married a couple of years later and leave the country a year on. Emptying this apartment and moving on was hard and made me question my decision: I was finally settled down. I had a car, two cats, a good job, great friends, and family living nearby. Why leave now?

Because I had lived it and was ready to move on. In a matter of four years, my life was at a level that I found satisfactory but not quite… fulfilling.

Thus, I was screaming “energy blast!” at 4 am in the capital city of Turkey.