Tag Archives: emotions

Can’t let anyone know I am one crazy b… bean?

Daily Prompt: Unsafe Containers
Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?

When I first started working at my current job and I wanted people to like me, well at least not be too prejudiced towards me, I was trying to appear “collected”. It was an especially hard mission since I was there with my dear John’s Wort to contain my social anxiety which at times makes me overexcited at the smallest thing.

However, since the workplace is one huge loft where not even cubicles can hide an embarrassing gesture, headphones are the only means to create a little invisible ball of privacy around the brain. And like so many other souls out there, I chose to listen to music through the earphones to get myself motivated.

Although I am not much of a musical person, I knew from experience from street performers to bookshops where some background music may be on for a little ambiance, I cannot help moving to any rhythm… As soon as there is some sort of a beat I like, a little tapping begins on my foot, and slowly climbs all the way up to my shoulders, finally reaching my head. This might be OK at a pub or even on the street but at work, the result is one jerky woman trying to type some stuff on her computer.

So the first time I had the rush of happiness to dance at my serious workplace, too serious for a video game company, at least, I had to pull my headphones off my head and take a deep breath and wait until my heartbeat took up a lighter pace.

Now, I only listen to news and John’s Wort is out of the question. It turns out it is much easier to concentrate on translations and even on games while sipping green tea to sooth bouts of anxiety and listening to stock market crashes than Pharrell Williams’s “Happy” song.

Come to think of it, I am one weird assembly of a personality where a social attraction like dancing and fear of people’s reactions as in social anxiety have been inserted into the same brain. It is hard to find a balance between all those feelings rushing through…

So if you ever see a shy woman who cannot help dancing on the street to the slightest tune, it might just be me…

Headed to my playlist now…

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Why I Blog? (New “About”)

I have realized that my previous “About” text is not sufficient to explain why I am here, blogging… So here is why I blog…

Have you ever had one of those boxes when you were a kid where you kept your “valuables” neatly? I used to have a cupboard where I stored all the trinkets I had gotten my hands on… Artsy stuff, collections, tickets, symbols or reminders of events I perceived to be thresholds or poignant moments in my then much shorter life along with some notebooks where I jotted down stories I crafted. I imagine, if I had ever been religious, that cupboard could have been my altar…

I liked to organize it, to watch it, to make new additions to it and especially dream in it. I felt ownership and pride through that cupboard, and it provided a private area only I was allowed into. It was a place where with bits and pieces, I was building my personality by identifying what my likes and dislikes were.

That is the feeling I get here at Tattered Stamp; I am rediscovering me. I am trying to shake off the laziness of a writer’s block that lasted about 15 years following one negative comment I had received from someone I cared for.

Now, after so many years, I am finally formulating an idea about the train of thoughts that brought on the 15 years of stagnancy. The comment, though was nothing but a smile, made me think what I was able to write was petty. I thought if I wanted my ‘work’ to matter, I had to write about politics or social injustice from a western point of view and it had to be either genderless or appealing primarily to a male audience. Therefore, the sentences I put together had to be sarcastic, smart and definitely free of any emotional load.

So for a while I did everything I could to change my writing ways, which felt — awkward. The fulfillment I used to get out of writing diminished until it came to a standstill, because I was a female living in Turkey with a keenness for emotions, psychology and the individual.

Finally, to regain the habit of writing, I decided to write on this blog and publish whatever I could produce no matter how much I hated it and how severely I criticized it. I made up my mind to make this my hiding place where I could insert whatever I had in me: fiction, thoughts about life, getting used to Canada, other people, fears, weaknesses, strengths sometimes I might be too shy to mention…

So now, this blog has become much more than my initial starting point, “letters I write but do not dare to send”. Now, this blog has turned into my cupboard where I rediscover in posts and pages who the real “me” is.

So far, I have learned that I like to write about women because male points of view are far too prevalent, especially in texts about Turkey, AND I am a woman! I also love to borrow instances from my past experiences and deconstruct every sensation pertaining to that moment, a smell, a sound, a touch, a color to spring that moment back to life and weave it into flash fiction.

Another one of my discoveries is that I love changes. I do not care for being a “stable” person, if you like. That is why the tone and the content I upload tends to change frequently, together with the blog layout. Just like the cupboard I used to have, I love reshuffling and redecorating my blog.

Even if every post I put here sounds silly, unappealing or tacky – three words I fear most-, I will do my best to remain as sincere as possible to showcase what words I might have wobbled up my head.

And a quick note, if next time you find a completely new blog here, you can bet I was in the mood for some new theme decorations.