Tag Archives: joy

Can’t let anyone know I am one crazy b… bean?

Daily Prompt: Unsafe Containers
Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?

When I first started working at my current job and I wanted people to like me, well at least not be too prejudiced towards me, I was trying to appear “collected”. It was an especially hard mission since I was there with my dear John’s Wort to contain my social anxiety which at times makes me overexcited at the smallest thing.

However, since the workplace is one huge loft where not even cubicles can hide an embarrassing gesture, headphones are the only means to create a little invisible ball of privacy around the brain. And like so many other souls out there, I chose to listen to music through the earphones to get myself motivated.

Although I am not much of a musical person, I knew from experience from street performers to bookshops where some background music may be on for a little ambiance, I cannot help moving to any rhythm… As soon as there is some sort of a beat I like, a little tapping begins on my foot, and slowly climbs all the way up to my shoulders, finally reaching my head. This might be OK at a pub or even on the street but at work, the result is one jerky woman trying to type some stuff on her computer.

So the first time I had the rush of happiness to dance at my serious workplace, too serious for a video game company, at least, I had to pull my headphones off my head and take a deep breath and wait until my heartbeat took up a lighter pace.

Now, I only listen to news and John’s Wort is out of the question. It turns out it is much easier to concentrate on translations and even on games while sipping green tea to sooth bouts of anxiety and listening to stock market crashes than Pharrell Williams’s “Happy” song.

Come to think of it, I am one weird assembly of a personality where a social attraction like dancing and fear of people’s reactions as in social anxiety have been inserted into the same brain. It is hard to find a balance between all those feelings rushing through…

So if you ever see a shy woman who cannot help dancing on the street to the slightest tune, it might just be me…

Headed to my playlist now…

SWPD- Summer-Winter Personality Disorder- coined by me based on me in Montreal

Mahabhrath Duryodhana Vs Bhimsena
Mahabhrath Duryodhana Vs Bhimsena Source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:%275%27_The_Mahabharata,_Duryodhana_versus_Bhimsena,_Sanskrit_Epic_India.jpg

When I first got to Montreal in august 2012, the hottest and most humid month (at least it felt so to me) of the whole year, I could not help asking the people we had found through airbnb why they spent all their time on the balcony. They wanted to enjoy the hot summer having spent the whole freezing winter sealed in their apartment. Then I realized that actually, every night, all balconies seemed irresistibly crowded and lively with people, wine, weed and laughter.

But I still could not wrap my mind around this balcony addicted life. I had after all come from a country where we have four seasons and the winters are cool enough. And yes, we enjoy summers out on the balconies but definitely not as much as these Montrealeans…

This year, I realized how this whole deal works out. A Quebecoise friend explained it was as if she had double personalities. In the winter, she became extremely solitaire and anti social, while as soon as spring induced a little warmth into the streets, she became a people’s person. This turned out to be such an accurate diagnosis for me as well. Throughout the winter, with a cold that goes down to -40 degrees, it becomes impossible to move the windows even a cm since they are shut frozen. All you want to do is watch movies or read or do any lonely activity you enjoy, rather than be forced to step out into the energy consuming freezing cold. On some days, a warm bed is so much more attractive than seeing people even on Friday nights…

When the snow melted, a personality change took me over. I am biking everywhere, finding everyone agreeable, adorable, loving and gentle. I am enjoying the courses I registered for and even finding the Quebecois French of the teachers somewhat cute. Drinking and socializing more but cleaning and cooking much less. Feeling less depressed and more hopeful… But also creating less time for this bloggy, which sort of helped me through the winter and in a way added some sense to the senseless job I attend every day.

So, although I am definitely going to enjoy the coming season to the fullest with gatherings in parks and festivals lighting up the city, one thing my summer personality should learn from my winter personality is to write more. That is what writing experts strongly advise, right? Time to heed some wise advice…

PS: I wonder how a conversation between my winter and summer personalities would go… Terribly quiet, I bet. While one would be too sleepy and pensive to talk, the other would be too hyper and a little tipsy to sit still for a meaningful conversation.

Lazy Weekend Love

Yesterday we got home a little too drunk on microbrewery…

I tried one extremely heavy beer and one really light one and there was one that made me lose count…

At home, I fell asleep on the couch before I got a chance to change into my pj… Hubby slept on the sofa in his room with his coat on…

And thus, with the light of Saturday morning gazing at me in between my half shut eyelids and my breathing still tuned to sleep mode, I heard the call for our LAZY WEEKEND echoing through our alcohol loaded snores!!

I love lazy weekends! I love staying at home, generally on the couch, mostly on the same spot on the couch, always with a device to get connected, with a few dozes of snooze in between the loading web pages…

Is this AGING? Is this growing old? My parents used to spend almost the whole weekend snoring and reading newspapers and snoring some more. I hated it. I used to think they had no life and the way they were spending their free time made their lives devoid of any meaning. Now, I am in that very same position and the feeling I get is the exact opposite!!!

I don’t want to go out and force a smile for people I barely know, just so that I can find a ‘social’ pretext to leave home. Now, I only want to have real relations with real friends even if it means seeing them once a month rather than having superficial talks every weekend at large parties where I hardly know anyone and diving my way through a sea of people until I can assume that this one person I meet has a personality I might have something in common with.

Now, on Fridays, rather than going out and staying up late at clubs and pubs with a herd of ‘friends’, the idea that I will get to spend the whole weekend on my own, doing only what I feel like doing, without having to put on socially acceptable behavior, without any makeup, with the smell of sleep still hanging onto my pores and the pajamas I am determined to wear for the next two days makes me feel ecstatic.

No phones, no facebook, no social networking…

Only me slouched on the couch, surfing the net passively, typing a little bit, reading a few chapters, watching some shows, spooning hubby a couple of minutes, sipping some coffee and enjoying the creative joy of laziness for 48 hours…

That is what makes me happy now… And if this is aging, I like it…

Joy: the balance between computer parts and body parts

Being able to change the ram of a laptop when you are considered to be computer illiterate by your tech savvy husband. That is real joy with a touch of satisfaction and a pinch of in your face.

PS: Dear “computer illiterate” reader, if you ever plan to keep secret notes from a tech savvy spouse, keep them old school, on pieces of paper and not on some weird file on your computer. These people enjoy fooling around longer in the most meaningless parts of computers than on parts of your body scientifically proven to bring great joy to your relationship…

Note for spouse: I love you hubby! Of course I keep no secrets from you and you are great with all parts, whether animate or inanimate and you should have read that word document when I asked you if you would be OK with my blogging it …