Tag Archives: self realization

Why I Blog? (New “About”)

I have realized that my previous “About” text is not sufficient to explain why I am here, blogging… So here is why I blog…

Have you ever had one of those boxes when you were a kid where you kept your “valuables” neatly? I used to have a cupboard where I stored all the trinkets I had gotten my hands on… Artsy stuff, collections, tickets, symbols or reminders of events I perceived to be thresholds or poignant moments in my then much shorter life along with some notebooks where I jotted down stories I crafted. I imagine, if I had ever been religious, that cupboard could have been my altar…

I liked to organize it, to watch it, to make new additions to it and especially dream in it. I felt ownership and pride through that cupboard, and it provided a private area only I was allowed into. It was a place where with bits and pieces, I was building my personality by identifying what my likes and dislikes were.

That is the feeling I get here at Tattered Stamp; I am rediscovering me. I am trying to shake off the laziness of a writer’s block that lasted about 15 years following one negative comment I had received from someone I cared for.

Now, after so many years, I am finally formulating an idea about the train of thoughts that brought on the 15 years of stagnancy. The comment, though was nothing but a smile, made me think what I was able to write was petty. I thought if I wanted my ‘work’ to matter, I had to write about politics or social injustice from a western point of view and it had to be either genderless or appealing primarily to a male audience. Therefore, the sentences I put together had to be sarcastic, smart and definitely free of any emotional load.

So for a while I did everything I could to change my writing ways, which felt — awkward. The fulfillment I used to get out of writing diminished until it came to a standstill, because I was a female living in Turkey with a keenness for emotions, psychology and the individual.

Finally, to regain the habit of writing, I decided to write on this blog and publish whatever I could produce no matter how much I hated it and how severely I criticized it. I made up my mind to make this my hiding place where I could insert whatever I had in me: fiction, thoughts about life, getting used to Canada, other people, fears, weaknesses, strengths sometimes I might be too shy to mention…

So now, this blog has become much more than my initial starting point, “letters I write but do not dare to send”. Now, this blog has turned into my cupboard where I rediscover in posts and pages who the real “me” is.

So far, I have learned that I like to write about women because male points of view are far too prevalent, especially in texts about Turkey, AND I am a woman! I also love to borrow instances from my past experiences and deconstruct every sensation pertaining to that moment, a smell, a sound, a touch, a color to spring that moment back to life and weave it into flash fiction.

Another one of my discoveries is that I love changes. I do not care for being a “stable” person, if you like. That is why the tone and the content I upload tends to change frequently, together with the blog layout. Just like the cupboard I used to have, I love reshuffling and redecorating my blog.

Even if every post I put here sounds silly, unappealing or tacky – three words I fear most-, I will do my best to remain as sincere as possible to showcase what words I might have wobbled up my head.

And a quick note, if next time you find a completely new blog here, you can bet I was in the mood for some new theme decorations.

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A Fight Worthwhile

Inspired by Five Minute Friday prompt: Fight* on Lisa Jo Baker’s Blog http://lisajobaker.com/2014/01/five-minute-friday-fight/

(time: 9.35)

What should you be? How should you act? What should you write? How should you feel? What should you say? How should you live?

For many of us, the ‘shoulds’ are deeply engraved in our heads. We were made to believe that living up to these ‘shoulds’ would make us good people, that we would get closer to the ideal human. We were told that anything deviating just a wee bit from the ideal is bad.

Yes, it is these simple terms most of us are trying to set our lives according to: Good and bad.

Many fruitful thoughts are blocked because of the ideal human. Our brains are clogged by all these standards we feel forced to live up to. If we do not comply with these, we are not worth being.

You should be stable. You should only be happy. You should only think of others. You should always have energy. You should always race for the best career seen fit for you. You should never lie. You should only befriend perfect people. You should only have positive thoughts.

(time: 9.40)

How about the relief found in seeing yourself for who you really are?  You can be unstable but trustable. You can be fun and moody. You can hate lying but be willing to lie to ensure the happiness of people you care for. You can be friends with people who make you happy to be with and not just linger around some characters simply because they are picture perfect.

You do not need to be energetic to run around all the time, to socialize, to cook, to clean, to read. You can enjoy spending a day in bed without having to account for these moments of stolen laziness. You can choose to do something simply because it gives you pleasure and not because it would be appreciated on a resume. You can be selfish some days when you need a retreat from responsibilities. You might love hugging one day and hate it the next.

These do not mean that you are a bad person. You are who you are, and this is a merit on its own, whether recognized by the concept of the flawless human or not.

Fearing who we really are for the sake of an artificially constructed excellence can be tedious. Reading what is really on our minds without being muddled by vague notions of perfection picked up here and there is liberating. Sometimes ideals are not so ideal. The only thing we should do is fight to be ourselves despite the doctrines of the perfect being carved in our brains. This is a fight worthwhile.

(time: 9.45)

*The rule on Five Minute Friday is to write for 5 minutes without any editing. I cheated… After writing for 10 minutes from 9.35 to 9.45, I did some finishing touches here and there (and more) afterwards.