I can’t think, I can’t talk, I can’t write, I can’t concentrate… I can’t even add “that looks delicious, honey!” on my facebook to maintain the few friendships I have. All I want is for the time to come when I can take a look at the damn stick I will pee on and to see the hardcore prove for the changes I have been feeling since last week.
I feel like something is cooking in my belly. I am experiencing “stuff’ I have never felt before. Ever since I had my first period, almost 20 years ago now, month after month, I have had the time to observe what happens in my womb and in my whole body in general.
I am telling you, this is different…
Last week, husband and I did a little bit of free range hanky panky… Meaning, we had condomless sex. (It feels weird after so many years of latex involved love making… As for why we opted for the latex, I am already not the most stable person, so I thought fooling around with birth control would only save me from unplanned kids by making me utterly unbearable, unapproachable and un-pretty-able… Had to keep up the alliteration.)
On Tuesday or Wednesday I ovulated. I know when I ovulate because I get cramps which last only a short while, maybe about an hour or so but these lasted almost a week.
In the mean time, bit by bit, I started feeling tired and a tittle nauseous. In social gatherings, during most conversations I appeared in an open eyed REM sleep state. Hard to pull off, nodding at the right moments while trying not to snore…
On Tuesday the cramps stopped. And, having received responses that laughed at my self diagnosis from the few people I opened up, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Thanks to friends, who enjoy a little mockery, ehem, I also realized there was a large, very large indeed, margin of error in my early pregnancy detection.
But then, on Wednesday, during my contemporary dance class (oh yeah, this is how cool I am), the class for which I was already extremely too tired to begin with, I was left breathless for the first time, and chose to sit through a tiny part of the practice, not wishing to be handed a huge hospital bill once I woke up if I ever fainted.
For the last two days, that is Thursday and Friday, the exhaustion is on. Boobies hurt more and more by day… If I had to liken the pain to something that most people might have experienced, it is like that tiny decayed tooth that you forget about until you chew on a bite of green apple. That’s it! I forget they are attached to my body until I brush against them and right away they send these messages of pain to my brain like a very loud fire alarm… Finally, the slight tune of dizziness in the background is becoming more pronounced. So much so that, my actions in the evening today were comparable to those of a tipsy friend in high heels.
I can cope with all these symptoms, I can handle them all, even if they gradually increase in the next few months.
There are only two things that worry me.
The first one is reactive hypoglycemia I have managed to insert into this carcass of mine. I know that pregnancy aggravates the hypoglycemia, and I will need constant checking with a doctor. I also read some may need a C-section since their blood sugars may drop too low during labor.
And the last thing that I really get worried about is anxiety and anger! Every single thing pisses me off! Everything from my past, everything I have listened to without responding and sometimes smiled at without much despising is coming to haunt me! I want to snap at everything and everyone! Whatever anyone says, it pisses me off. If it is a topic I have some knowledge in, I get angry because people are too stupid to realize I know what I am talking about. If it is a topic I don’t have much idea about, I get angry because I feel stupid. If it is a topic where there is no right or wrong, there is a possibility I may break a few hearts, tear out a couple of limbs and bite off some ears…
Worry not, ye holy reader, for as of yet, no one has been hurt. I am trying to regulate my anger, telling myself this is not the usual me… but I do not know how much longer I can hide the Hulk in me.
But then, the huge margin of error in my extremely early fetus detection may be of use, of course, and all these may turn out to be premenstrual symptoms. This weekend is the time for me to mark the magic wand as the hormones in pregnant pee would only be ripe enough to show on a pregnancy test a few days before the next period, which is this Sunday for me. If the magic wand should proclaim my belly to be an empty pit, I shall seize the brand new opportunity to consider whether I would be ready to go through all this physical and emotional tsunami to have the following twenty or thirty (!) years stolen from me.
I told you I was not stable… but I pose a risk only to myself, so no worries… And here is phrase I had to tell a few people over the last week: “I will let you know as soon as I get the results!”